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Crime of the Century
My car is pretty distinctive. It’s a late-1980s, white stripe–tired, Elderly Gentleman Land Yacht. In sky blue.This instant recognizability makes me feel extra bad about doing stupid things in traffic,...
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Object Lessons
I talk to inanimate objects a lot.These are typically not the most thrilling conversations.They hardly ever respond to me.In fact, sometimes I think they aren’t even listening.I hadn’t realized just...
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Every Time You Go Away
I’ve been drawing pictures for work again.They’re very logo-centric illustrations, though, and I’ve been keeping the name of my employer off of my blog in case the organization is not especially...
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I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means
I overheard one of the older ladies at my office taking down an email address over the phone a while ago. She did the best she could with her existing knowledge base.It reminded me of many, many...
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Goes Great with Circuses
Bread is pretty much the greatest thing. That’s why no human advancement is ever “the best thing since sliced turkey.”I was reflecting on this starchy truth while making toast the other day, and I...
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Three Times Fast
Repeat after me:CinnamonCinnamon M&MsCinnamon M&M anemoneCinnamon M&M anemone enemyCinnamon M&M anemone enemy ended!Celebrate!
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Universally Acknowledged
I’m currently rehearsing for a play. On an entirely unrelated note, if you are in Albuquerque between September 14th and October 7th, you should go see a show at the Adobe Theater in the North Valley....
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Painted Lady
Until very recently, all of the makeup I owned was purchased for my high school prom, Class of 2004. I take that back—there was one set of eye shadow that my grandmother gave me after cleaning out her...
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For the Faint of Heart
You know what is really a good move? Pumping enough blood to your brain. I recommend doing it as often as possible. If you can’t manage that, though, the next best option is failing at this activity as...
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Gimme Five
High fives work best if you focus on the other person’s elbow.I learned this bit of wisdom a couple of years ago, and just a few weeks later it proved to be spectacularly true. A friend and I achieved,...
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Scrambled or Fried
I started drinking coffee occasionally a couple of years ago, and the habit has been picking up steam ever since. Until recently, though, I managed to stay firmly in denial about the chemical...
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In Stitches
This is a pincushion.The items in it are very useful for sewing projects and pushing tiny reset buttons. They also belong one hundred percent outside of the human body at all times.I neglected that...
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I am sure this paragraph has touched all the internet users
I’ve started getting a lot of spam comments on this site. Of course, it’s perilous to assume—maybe I just have a lot of anonymous fans who really want to get me a deal for online casinos and Spanish...
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I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves
In the tenth grade, my Great Books teacher mentioned that she enjoyed telling ridiculous stories to extremely gullible people.Hoping to provide her with more material, I promptly explained why songs...
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You better listen to the radio
There’s an amazing weekly program on public radio that is consuming my life.I discovered it about eleven months ago, and since then I’ve listened to all seventeen years of archived episodes. The show...
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The Tough Coughs as he Ploughs the Dough
My Intro to Linguistic Analysis professor explained that older dialects of English used to pronounce the “k” and “gh” sounds in words such as “knight.” We sadly lost them over time, and their absence...
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Kerrville Folk Festival 2013
I recently returned from the Kerrville Folk Festival in the Texas Hill Country, which I attend pretty much annually. I’ve mentioned it a couple of times before.It’s a phenomenon that’s not very easy to...
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Have I mentioned that I enjoy being good at things?
The human brain has some impressive mechanisms for revising unpleasant memories. That’s how I manage to try V-8 again every couple of years.This same phenomenon also dulled my recollections of middle...
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Hooray, it’s another story with barfing in it!
Taboo, in addition to being the vehement objection of a society to a forbidden behavior, is a word game that you probably have in your closet. Either one can be fun at parties, depending on the guest...
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Inertia
Astute readers will have noticed that I haven’t posted anything recently. I haven’t posted anything not-all-that-recently, either. It’s all part of my demanding new routine:I do not have a dramatic...
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Hi. Hey. Hi. Hi. Hello. Hey.
Hi there. So, I went to grad school for three years and just finished in December. Let’s say that’s the only reason I haven’t been writing at all, and that sloth and inertia didn’t play any part. Cool?...
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I'm starting to think that maybe children aren't universally terrifying after...
I don’t really know what to do with small children. I didn’t have to acquire much experience in this department growing up—my brother is only three years younger than I am, all of our cousins are older...
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